It's impossible for me to get a session in.
"The price of crack must've gone way up, when I see what these dames will do for a buck"
Part of my frustration with the last couple months has been there has been some constant distraction every time I have tried to play. MTTs are not that interesting to me anymore 90% of the time I play them. What brings me joy in my work is seeking perfection, in trying new things out on different players with sound reasoning behind them. That zen-like state I get into when I play cards is probably the biggest reason I am in this game. If you love what you do it's very easy to work hard at it.
Recently, the last couple months, anything that could come up did. We had connects of ours screw up, which is a pretty big deal in an MTT backing house. We came to Costa Rica hoping to negotiate a reduced price for the holidays in conjunction with a 6 month lease or something till the series. What I instead got was a brash introduction to Costa Rican real estate. I realized many of the people who do business down here are flakes and many could never get a job in the states. They make their money destroying villages and communities Costa Ricans have been living in forever, they put up the biggest piece of shit condo complex you've ever seen, then they turn around tell me its a good product and there is no animosity toward me in the community. They try to charge me five times what the actual rate is because of my skin color. Buki's a fucking fantastic manager but having a Japanese guy is almost as bad as having two white guys. They think they can work all of us.
We were ready to put money down on a house that was pretty damned decent, but it didn't totally fit our needs. Still we'd interrupted our work looking at 40-50 houses to rent, and this was the best we were finding. We then found out that place had been robbed four times. Goody.
Between all the constant house hunting I was hemorrhaging money like it was nothing. It's hard to explain to your horses what you're going through, but soon any note of “it's all fine” fucking infuriates you. You're losing money every day, they're not winning, and you can feel like you're giving everyone a fucking paid vacation that no one is taking seriously. Of course, it's complete horseshit, and if they were as down as you you'd probably lose the company, but it's hard to keep a smile on your face when you and all your horses blank for two months. It's even harder to be optimistic, but I'd try to so hard to keep my own negativity to myself.
Normally, when my group of horses has not done as great I've picked up the slack. As arrogant as it sounds when I put a week in I expect to win a tournament. I expect to do huge things. I expect to make money. You can call me delusional, but delusion is a skill in this game.
I just couldn't do it here. I'd do my whole morning ritual then the network wouldn't recognize my computer for two hours. Full Tilt would randomly go off for an hour. UB, when I was chip lead of the 100r on the bubble, just decides it doesn't like working anymore.
All this and...oh yeah, what I wrote before about my family life and what went on in Seattle.
Then yeah there was this dude I kept at a distance, who closed that gap, and then proved to me why I always kept that gap. In a big big way. In an invading my privacy and life way.
The breaking point came when I took a week off to sort myself out, and did my whole routine in the morning excited to get to the tables. I went to my grind room, registered for everything, and then somebody ran a fucking car into our cable internet provider. Like no shit. I was registered for everything. I lost my shit, straight up. I had chips in a few tournaments and I didn't even get to fucking play. It's just more money lit on fire. More money these loser ass MTT regs I could outplay any day of the week don't fucking deserve. MY FUCKING MONEY.
Then yeah, here, I thought what more could happen? We got back up power supplies, satellite internet, high speed internet from a landline, and my horses know who's supposed to run for my supplies. I was feeling weird, getting back on the saddle after everything, and then something new happened.
I got food poisoning. I went to vomit it and I couldn't. Instead it just felt like I had the alien from Alien trying to poke his head out my stomach. For six hours. While I'm playing 1ks and 100rs and shit. I felt short of breath and screwed up most of the time. My judgement was clouded, and I had a hard time thinking through decisions. I'd start checking stats on Hold'em Manager and my vision would blur. I rushed so many decisions and fucked up so bad.
There's just so much pent up anger in me when it comes to poker. I'm not polite anymore, people run better in this game. All that shit about the long run catches up, it's bullshit. If I got a huge score three years ago I would've had so much to work with, I could be so far right now. I woke up every day, studied videos, played ten hours, and got robbed of that. I made my own mistakes at different times too I know but I have so many fucking bubbles on my own money of major final tables. Like just one would've helped me so much, and I had like 50, literally 50, major final table bubbles. I thought I did something so wrong for years, but you know it, it's bullshit, tournament poker is bullshit. I want to just fucking quit and be a writer sometimes. I'm so sick of everyone in this industry, and how I can only seem to win when my back is against the wall. I handpick my fucking horses and train them myself, and they just get robbed repeatedly. World Series, Super Tuesday, EPTs, fuck I got bubbles in all kid. They always go out firing, giving themselves a great chance to win. The second I drop them they'll chop something for 500k. I want to scream.
It's just fucking infuriating. To repeatedly get hyped for it and to just have a time bomb go off in my stomach. I don't even care that I lost I just wanted to play. My mother was sick every day I was alive, or so she pretty much claimed. I wonder if I just have an awful immune system coming from her or if this shit just does happen to me.
I'm just...so competitive. I want so badly to win. Not just to win I want a couple million before I leave this, and rest assured I intend to leave this fucking game. I don't want Sheets and Bax numbers, but I like how the guys who have come out from under me are guys like 99nvrlosez and Mcmatto. My horses go on to be respected professionals who are trustworthy. Buki's going to be the next one. He gets deep every week, and he loves it. He conducts himself with such class. If he doesn't have a huge huge win here for me in the next six months I'd honestly be very surprised.
I have everything set up here to blow. I'm going to be at every 10k I want, I have the girl of my dreams making me much more emotionally stable, and I've cut out the crap from my life. Like I couldn't come up with a better place for my horses, and last weekend ALL WERE PROFITABLE. I have fucking beasts in my stable.
I just feel spent in this game sometimes. Don't give me shit about being 22, this is all I've had since I was 15.
It's done everything for me and I just want more. I don't want to be in this game when I'm 26, not as serious as I am now.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it, but the last three months have pushed me to the end.
But now it's out of me. Writing is my therapy. You call me a whiner. I call myself responsible. I bitch about what's on my mind here, which by the way is a super fucking profitable blog now given how much traffic I drive to my training site, and I don't let it effect me the rest of the day. I stay positive for my guys.
I gotta get to work. I'm done bitching to everyone and no one at the same time. I'm putting in hours the rest of the week for the double week on Tilt then I'm taking a bus to see my girlfriend. It's like twenty bucks to get from my palace in the boonies, to the hustle and bustle of San Jose, and the cold mountain air is just twenty minutes beyond that. I feel like I take a bus from Hawaii to Seattle.
I think I'm going to go with a two weeks on, four day off schedule soon. Having something to look forward to on the weekends has done a lot for me. I've found a lot of peace in this girl and her family's hospitality, especially after Christmas. I don't know how so many Costa Ricans are so nice, or why this family has accepted me so willingly, but I thank God for that.
Now that I think of that...everything I just wrote seems so immature, petty, and meaningless. So irrelevant to what's actually important. I'm just competitive and stupid.
***
Oh yeah, and if you see xnumchuckx at the tables be sure to call him a luckbox. He's my newest horse, and after only a couple months he shipped his first open, the 5 cubed for (holy shit) $6.5k. He'd had a bunch of close calls but he finally ran well at a final table. So fun to watch a guy get hyped over his first win again.
Currently Listening To:
Viro The Virus - Bud, Sex, and Beers Volume 1,
Viro The Virus - Jersey's Finest
Akon And Green Lantern - Unreleased CD
Astral Projection - Another World
