Playa Flamingo, Costa Rica
I just got some messages over the last few days that have bothered me and some people in my life. I guess I can't control everything, no matter how hard I try. It stresses me out to have people I love be hurt by others who have no business even talking to me or my people, but I can't control everything. I don't want to go into too much detail because this is petty bullshit, and like all people who try to screw with my life, I will just move on from it. I don't pay it attention because that what those kind of people need.
I also saw a thread on Pocketfives that kind of fucked up my day. A guy was complaining I didn't get back to him about a lesson, which he totally has every right to be mad about, I'm just mad at myself for screwing up. I took over a ton of lessons on Pokerpwnage and had so many emails going in and out I needed people to get at me from time to time. I gave most of these people my personal email address and my skype. I've often done lessons the second somebody has reminded me on skype. It's like homework, I can't do it all the time, but when I have free time I want to punch it out just as much. I get paid to do it, its a good paycheck when I can't keep logging table hours. It helps me promote Pokerpwnage too, and most people seem to do noticeably better after I spend an hour yelling at them about what necessary homework they haven't done, and seriously review some MTT hands with them. I know how to talk hands, even if I don't do it on 2p2 or whatever, I can apply the Socratic method and figure out where you're at in your development and I can develop a lecture. I know what I'm doing. I'm not the fastest coach in the world but I do these for a lower price than normal just for Pokerpwnage and the good people behind it, and I pride myself on my work. It irks me I screwed this up and it got posted on a public forum. Jerry addresses complaints very well and runs a tight business and I don't like spoiling the image. I was on the road a lot before and it took me weeks and months to get back to people. I'm trying to get caught up now but its hard when I run a backing house, play full time myself, and still do some tour stops. I also have so many other projects going on now. I'm really loving life but I'm spread out now, and have so many more responsibilities, and it gets stressful. I don't have all the time in the world. I'm not on demand 24/7, that's not how it works, but I'm not an asshole and if you keep trying to work with me I will get it done. It just gets frustrating when every day you have a billion things to do and you forget one and it blows up in your face like this, ugh.
I also had a big misunderstanding with a horse. I thought one of my own guys was doing something that's a huge no-no in the backing business but he wasn't, but I was wiling out before I got a dated Skype message late and realized what was going on. I still have some problems with crap going on around me business wise but that isn't for this blog. I'm happy now. I cut most of the fakes and liars months back and have been pretty luck since then in regards to how smoothly business has gone. Financially we're stop-and-go, and we've all run pretty bad in some key spots. I'm just so close to making it go.
But okay, happier things. I hate it when crap is bugging me when I should be having such a good time now. It seems so lame to focus on what's bugging me.
Just some serious things I can't really write about. Sigh. The soap opera never ends. All people become dogs when it comes to drugs, sex, and money, and I'm fucking sick of it. I have no patience anymore and I can't shut my mouth. I'm sick of people bringing drama into my life. Leave me alone, my god, what did I ever do to you?
I just focus on nothing is hurt in my life. I have a ton of money invested in my Shugyo guys but they're working their asses off and I've made a pretty secure battle plan. I don't drink anymore, or really goof off since I have a serious girlfriend now, and I'm just addicted to my work. Fortunately that provides me financial freedom most don't have, and I should just focus on how I'm so lucky and blessed to be able to fix things for my friends and family instead of freaking out about having the problems. Somebody somewhere would love to have my problems. But if I don't write and rationalize, and if I keep it all inside, I just self-destruct. I'm feeling way better lately and I'm not letting anyone screw with my equilibrium. That's a personal choice I'm not making anymore. I have a lot of responsibilities now with the people around me, and that's what makes me happy, so I gotta just accept the work that comes with that. It's much easier emotionally being single without anyone depending on you, but it's lonely as hell too. I'm done with all that I like what's going on now.
Yo kid believe in this,
I control my underworld,
Yes the demons and the evilness,
So when the smoke clears...
And the dust returns to dirt,
A dark silhouette is going to rise up from the earth
I control my underworld,
Yes the demons and the evilness,
So when the smoke clears...
And the dust returns to dirt,
A dark silhouette is going to rise up from the earth
Ten minutes of writing I'm mellow again.
That felt good. I feel sorted out.
The Super Tuesday final table was awesome...till heads up. I ran like God and also just crushed people. I ran so many bluffs that I'm pretty confident most people wouldn't attempt. My tournament theory is growing every day and I feel so good when I get to practice my craft at a serious final table. I blew up HU I admit that, but I just grinded getting there. I picked up so many chips. I never back down now, I have no fear now, and it just feels so good. It's taken me playing every day since I was 15 but at 22 I really do feel like a musician who thoroughly knows his instrument. I know when to hit every cord and my own insecurities and problems no longer hinder it. I'm in the zone.
Heads up was a nightmare because either the guy held over me/outplayed me worse than I've ever been outplayed/someone took over/the guy was card dead the first half the table and actually had some game/god who knows or cares?? Guy played really well and it's most likely he just had a really good run and I didn't hit nearly anything, and he played fantastic. I'm not alleging someone took over just the change in play was so swift I wouldn't be surprised. It could/way more likely be a killer player however and I would never be able to approve a take over occurred so f it. I like never had anything, and random some excellent bluff spots in my opinion, and this guy was either just a fucking stellar player who got what was going on or he just ran really well. Either way it was extremely frustrating when I was so close to a title I've wanted. Oh well, $50,000 is still a lot of money, and I made $70,000 over the last week. I am not complaining. I am on my game again and I feel excellent.
I just put my mind to it before and always got out. This time there's no hole to get out of. I can just progress. The fact a week ago I could write "you're going to see me at final tables" and to just pop off two decent scores in a week is still science fiction to me. There's a part of me that's very aware of how I am playing and how much I am learning, but another part that always thinks I don't get a single thing.
I am aware of the control I have over 99% of players now. I rarely feel like someone has a serious edge on me when I play any kind of Hold'em, and when I do I have no problem just quitting the bastard right away. I'm not in this for glory anymore. I see how it is.
Even when a guy can play ball with me I just feel like he's making it more difficult, he doesn't have an edge on me. I don't feel many of the top ranked Pocketfivers have an edge on me. I know who does, but they're not many. Menlo has outplayed me. Ansky has completely owned my soul. But 99% of these guys, yeah, I just want to show them up and outplay them. It's like hunting for the big kill.
But yeah there's a part of me that's not aware of any of that, that can't understand what's going on. Still. Ha. Strange.
I had to pick this blog up on Sunday morning. I'm just into playing right now. Working and writing and hanging out in the sun. It's harder for me to blog. I am trying to get a bunch of work done this week because I'm taking my girlfriend to Europe for Valentine's day. After that I'm playing the Copenhagen and Berlin EPTs. I'm really excited to play live again but getting in hours over there otherwise will be difficult. My girlfriend has college courses in a month, and a full-time job to go back to. This will probably be one of our only chances for a while to travel, and I want her to see what I do and everything. After this I won't be dying to travel much. I probably will do the IPO, San Remo, Monte Carlo stretch with my friends.
I really don't have any desire to return to Vegas or anything. I love the game, I don't always love the atmosphere around it. There's no ancient opera houses for me and my girl to check out in Vegas, there's no culture, there's so few good people who are even given a chance. Vegas and so many places just feel so fake. It's kind of lame (and yes somewhat hypocritical) how much the gambling scene sickens me now, but I love poker not the people who typically love poker. I love solving puzzles that involve psychology, money comes later. A lot of people around the poker world live as if taking money and symbols of status, no matter what the consequences, will free them. Their vibe just isn't me. I'm cherry picking the events and doing my own thing now, I don't have time for talking bad beats, catching up with people I don't give a shit about, and schmoozing. Let the other people be that. I just want to play cards in exotic cities against crazy opponents, just like when I was 16. I want to visit cool places when I feel like it, not be waking up in Dortmund at 6 PM to grind majors. I'm excited the arrangements I have now, and how much more I am looking forward to playing now that I only do an event every few months.
Okay I just had a few more tables pop up. I gotta go grind out this Sunday sesh. I want to pop off some more scores so I can chill more in Europe. My work feeds my leisure, which feeds my drive to work. I feel natural and balanced. I'm addicted again, but in a good way this time. I feel so healthy. I want to shine. I want to grind.
Shugyo House Currently Playing:
Recently Listened Tracks
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| Thievery Corporation – Doors Of Perception (featuring Gunjan) | Yesterday 4:06am | |||
| | Thievery Corporation – Holographic Universe full track | Yesterday 4:02am | ||
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| | Arch Enemy – Silverwing full track | Yesterday 3:33am | ||
| | Arch Enemy – Pilgrim | Yesterday 3:28am |
